On the Founding of the Obsidian Fists:
"Oh no, oh no, oh NO!"
"Keep it down over there; I’m trying to listen to the latest inquisitor proclamations from sector 125."
"I…I can’t believe this. They are so going to send me back to the Department of Ogryn Affairs after this."
"Believe what? What did you do now?"
"I was reviewing the extermination orders and I must have mixed up the papers when I dropped them and the declarations of high honor the other day."
"You didn’t send them out without reviewing them I hope."
"I was running late Thursday, I got caught behind that honor the Emperor march, so when I got to work I kinda…well…sorta rushed things."
"Let me see the orders. You were just late that day because the new Sisters of Battle swimsuit edition came out that day and you had to get one that day. Let's see, this one is fine. No one is going to notice that this planet is going to be cleansed..."
"But…but…sector 287…I...I order the extermination of every Adeptus Astartes chapter in the sector."
“IDIOT! What were you thinking! When word gets to the High Lords that there is no marine presence in sector 287 they are going to investigate, and when they find out you can’t keep two piles of data files straight you’ll be demoted to Official Dilly Beans Counter of Cadia! IDIOT!”
“Wha…wha…what do we do? You…you can fix this right? You can cover for me? I…I covered for you that time you accidentally purged the systems of Squat home worlds. I...I covered for you.”
*sigh* “You know I still feel bad that no one even remembers who they are anymore. I thought that someone would write about them in one of those trade publications but instead they’ve completely disappeared from Imperium history. Hmm. Alright we can fix this. It is too late to cancel the orders but I know the girl who handles new founding applications, she could slip something in to get another chapter in that sector.”
“The girl in New Founding? You…you know her? Isn’t she the one who was on Pimp-My-Land Raider?”
“She was. We went out a few times but she started getting all religious. After she started attending daily services with the marine chaplains she got WAY to fearless for me; I had to break it off.”
“…WOW…you dated her. She is really pretty but I try to stay away from her after hearing about that incident with librarian and the digital weapons in her bra. You…you figure with all those physic abilities he could have seen that coming.”
“No you don’t want to mess with her. Her sister is a Death Cult Assassin you know. Anyways, I’ll talk to her see if we can get a new chapter founded out there. No one would notice anything then. Pull up the hologram of the sector.”
“Do..do..do we get to give her details on this new founding?”
“Sure, sure. So this are the two planet are being exterminated because of your mix-up, I assume the are going to be void bombed from space so we’ll avoid those planets. Oh look here, pirate activity is heavy near this asteroid belt.”
“Pirates? You what the new founding to be pirate marines?”
“Stop being an idiot. We drop a record in the Chaos Record System and then we have two or three chapters meet here to destroy the pirate strongholds. On their victory a new chapter is founded, bata-bing Space Marines are once again in sector 287.”
“Oh can we pick who founds it? Can we plan out the new chapter? This is more exciting then toss the Ratling night at Chaffer’s Last Stand!”
*sigh* “Sure, whatever you want. Imperial Fists are a good choice; they are only two sectors away. And look here, according to the Gene-Seed Database they already have enough stock ready to go for starting a new founding.”
“What about Raven Guard! They look all spiffy in that black armor. Or Ultramarines!”
“Aren’t most of the marines already Ultramarines already? No more Ultramarines. And no Blood Angels or Space Wolves either. There is only 1000 of each and yet they are in ½ the Imperium’s battles it seems.”
“Can we pick what they look like? And what they specialize in?”
“It does need to go one the application. Just don’t go to crazy.”
“Hmm…I like yellow but the Imperial Fist yellow is a bit much, maybe a squash color.”
“Sure, call them the Squash Marines. No one is going to think that was strange. How about Idiot Marines?”
“We should name them after the fiercest and bravest animal in all old Terra, the Honey Badger. Here watch this holograph about them, they don’t give a shit.”
"Listen, I’m going to help you but don’t make me watch any more of your old Terra holograms. You want a name, this asteroid belt is known for having a large concentration of Obsidian, so combine that with Imperial Fists and you have Obsidian Fists. Done."
“They should have black hands then, can we give them black hands and…and black weapons too. That would be keen.”
“Fine. I’ll drive the over to see her after lunch. I need to go pick-up the Land Speeder anyways, it has been in the shop to get a new stabilizer. Can you believe they gave me a lousy Razorback as a loner?"
"I hear Rhino’s get much better fuel millage, and you have all that cargo room."
"Why am I even bringing this up, you don’t know anything about vehicles. That Chimera you drive is practically pre-heresy.”
“Oh, do we need to pick something for them to specialize in?”
“We should just to make it look official. Let’s see what did the two chapters you killed off specialized in. Hmm, trench warfare for this one and hit-and-run for that one, that is not going to work out well.”
“How about FLEXIBILITY! They can do it all and…and they are fierce, like honey badgers. Put no drop pods, my uncle's cyber-mastif was killed by one a few years ago. It landed on his dog house while he was asleep, poor fella.”
“Sure, sure. Now promise me you’re not going to accidentally have any other planets purged. You know our reviews are coming up and I need a raise to afford that new model house servitor, they do windows now.”
“Oh I have one of those, Julie is real nice.”
“A girl one? You don’t do things with it do you? Never mind, I’m getting some bad images in my head just thinking about it.”
That was hysterical!
ReplyDelete